saddest girl to ever hold ... a hamster

maybe i can credit being a woman for being so emotional over this cute overload post one hamsters last day on earth or i can just suck it up & say it's really really really sad. maybe a little bit of both.

i will now be referred to as the 'crazy cricket lady'

i need to start a new blog.

wipe this old one off the board.

i am looking over all of my previous posts & there's a hint of my ex in each one of them. we can't have that anymore.

but i wonder.. what will i write about then?

this is my new project. a new blog. wiping the slate clean. starting over. fresh. no more sneaking in the essence of my ex. no more depressing crap. that's it! i've had it!

hey, i'm on day 3 for not smoking .. if anyone cares to congratulate me :)

ps i LOVE LOVE LOVE the sound of the loud ass frogs outside my window! it's so great. wish i didn't have to sleep with a fan on at night .. otherwise i could listen to them chirp all night.

hey, what do you feed crickets? i am thinking i would like to have crickets as pets. i know, i know.. sounds utterly bizarro. but i miss the sound of them. seems the northwest doesn't house crickets like the midwest does. i think i am going to get me a pet cricket or two. or twenty.

what?!! a new post?! doth m'eyes deceif meh?

now now... before you get all giddy at the thought of a new post wait. i know a select few of you have been wondering why i haven't posted anything new for such a long time. my apologies for slacking. i do hope to get back in to this groove again soon. i've actually lost touch with a lot of web-related things lately. my blog, flickr....... well... i guess that's it. can't say i have lost touch with facebook though. nope. facebook & i are tight like that.

with all that being said.. i promise i will do my best to provide you wonderfully loyal readers something interesting in the next ... uh.. well.. month. yeah, that's a safe time frame.

if i fail to provide ... well.. then .. in the meantime i'll work on what the punishment entails too.

thanks for reminding me i am awesome to you :)

bright ideas... eh hem

some days i have so many ideas running through my head about random shit i want to write about. (mostly about me of course.) so you'd think i wouldnt feel the need to write them down and remember them.

but i have a little notepad i carry with me everywhere. actually that notepad serves sooo many purposes for me. it's my grocery list. it's my 'remember this song so i can buy it later'. it's my day dreaming about what i want one day list. it's my what i need to accomplish before the end of the day (which turns out to the end of the month) list. and it's my diary in a hurry. but i've only used it for that particular purpose a couple of times. it's my phone number list (bc i get sooo many of them ;) it's my directions to someone's house list. it's my doctor list. (even though i still haven't gone to ANY of them).

anyway, you get the point.

i have decided i would like to become a better writer. i would like to start writing about things that have content. a soul. a purpose. a bigger purpose than what consumes my mind daily. who knows if i will ever actually change my writing habits though. bc the way i see it right now.. at this very second... you should only attempt to change one habit at a time. otherwise you'll go bonkers.

i am quitting smoking. for the umpteenth time. and this time i fear is going to be quite challenging compared to previous attempts & partial successes. i have discovered for myself to successfully quit really becomes all about maintaining the right, positive mindset. when i quit a few years ago.. my mindset was all about daydreaming about living a smoke free life. since i started so young i don't remember what it was like to be a non-smoker. and i wanted to consciously live it finally. bc i was hitting the 25 year old hump i started becoming very aware of what my skin would look like if i kept up the habit. bc i wanted to be a pilot i desired to be in the best shape i could be in so i was a 'healthy' pilot. and almost the most important to me was bc i love the smell of clean hair, laundry detergent, nature, men's cologne, & my perfume, i decided i'd much rather enjoy smelling those than smelling cigarette smoke.

at first i was successful in the non-smoking department pretty quick. and i lasted over a year. until one night when i had too much to drink. there was a campfire involved. and many friends. i'll never forget this night (it was memorial day weekend 2007). i had one. just one. it was my first cigarette in over a year. and that one cigarette was all it took ... and now i am here. at that point when i started back up i was occasionally smoking. and that lasted for about 7 months. and new year's eve/day 2007/2008 came around & i was able to quit again. for another 7 months - almost 8. but i let my desire to 'not-give-a-shit-about-anything-bc-i-had-just-broken-up-with-my-boyfriend' (at that point i called it a 'temporary phase') bring me down. five months later here i am again. at that crossroad. again. only this time it's different. completely different in terms of quitting.

i don't know what's worse. starting smoking again bc of a breakup. or quitting when you know you're not ready to. i mean, i know... i am completely aware of ALL of the benefits to being a non-smoker. infact i LOVED being a non-smoker. nothing better than smelling my shampoo at the end of the day. seriously. i happen to think my shampoo rocks. but at this point i feel like it's dumb to even attempt to quit. just bc it's the new year doesn't mean i HAVE to quit. true, i gave myself the time frame. shit. i wanted to quit back on my birthday. but that didn't go over so well. i wanted to quit on 11.11 bc i think that's a fancy date. i finally decided new year's day would be the ticket. but little did i know i still wouldn't feel ready.

i remember what it was like when i quit the last two times. i remember where my head was. and it's safe to say my head is NOT there right now.

tonight i went to the laundry mat. but the machines were not large enough to wash the furniture items i needed to wash. sadly i only have one thing left to do & that's throw them away. kinda sucks balls bc if i could just clean them (dry cleaner refused to take them) i could give two things away to goodwill. and the third thing i could actually sit on again. anyway, after discovering the laundry mat could not accommodate i drove to poulsbo in attempts to check out their laundry mat facilities. but it was no longer there. and at this point i didn't feel like driving around to find the replacement. so i headed my disappointed ass back home. on the way i thought about nothing but smoking. ok.. truth is i also thought about a boy who said he would call but never did. but smoking was mostly on my mind. my biggest mistake when picking smoking back up was smoking in the car. especially a brand new car. i still kick myself for that.

i thought about stopping at the convenient store for cigarettes. and just saying fuck it. but i drove past the road that would've taken me straight there. then i got to my next turn. this was it. either left or right. left to cigarettes. or right.. going home.

i chose left.

but i convinced myself that turning left at this point didn't actually mean i was smoking again. the gas station was far away still. i had time to change my mind again. on my way to the gas station i just fought with myself. i fought about the beneficial reasons of quitting and the justifications that went right along with why it's not a good time right now. i weaved through the streets instead of taking the straight shot there.... so i could think about what i was really going to do. finally. this was my last turn. if i go left i buy cigarettes. and i smoke them. bc you smoke them if you got them. and if i turn right i buy fucking carrots.

i fucking bought carrots.

and the ONLY reason i bought fucking carrots is bc yesterday i PINKY SWORE one of my best friends here in washington that after i finished my last pack i would be done. and the whole time i was driving, battling the truly quit or just buy cigarettes war, i heard her voice in the back of my head. and mostly i saw the disappointment on her face. a face i have become familiar with these past few months and especially days. i felt like i was letting my mom down when i told her i had a cigarette yesterday. even though i wasn't supposed to... bc i told her & the ENTIRE WORLD that i was for sure quitting new year's day.

ugh.

so i bought carrots. twizzlers. calm tea. and gum. all vices i remember helping me through the difficult part before. i'm worried though. i am not sure they'll help me this time. i really don't know. i really genuinely believe you have to be in the proper mindset to succeed at something as difficult as this. i used to say that the only reason i am doing this right now is bc i have done it before. i know i can do it. otherwise i wouldn't attempt to stop right now. but i am still struggling with 'is this really it'?

and now i have twizzler breath. it's the same breath you get after consuming a ton of sweet stuff. almost similar to milk breath. i can't say it's any better than cigarette breath either. but i can't say it's any worse.

so who's bright idea was it break up with your boyfriend of six years and start smoking again. and then try quitting again. and OMG .. seriously consider moving to the city?

those bright ideas...i guess they're all mine.

what would you write about?

i asked myself this. and wondered ...

would it be something i am struggling with? or something i've conquered.
would it be something i dislike? or something i enjoy immensely.
maybe i could write about something i have done. or that i'd like to do.
maybe something i want to change. or something i've found peace with.
would it be about my past? or my hopes and visions for the future?
i might like to write about somebody i've met. or dream about meeting one day.
i suppose i could write about the way something tastes. feels. smells. sounds. or looks like.
would i be interested in writing a fiction. or just laying down the truth.
something i'm grateful for? or perhaps longing for?
or maybe i'd be interested in writing about all the coincidences in my life.
i could talk about how much i miss having my dog in my life. how much he meant to me. and how pissed i am that some other woman is there now.
i could talk about how sweet he was. and the way he looked when he was proud, happy, sad, bored, scared, hurt, sleepy, excited. the way he cuddled with me. the way he sat next to me when i was upset as if to say i'm here mom. i'm listening and everything's going to be ok. i showed him emotion. and he showed me unconditional love.
i could write about the way he barks in his sleep, snores in his sleep, and twitches in his sleep.
i could write about the shape of his face, his eyes, his nose, his legs, his belly, his paws. bc i have him memorized.


i could write about the things i learned in ground school right up until i stopped going bc i let life get in the way.
i could write about the few things i've learned since i have started playing guitar.
i could write about things i would like to learn more about. like photography. learning to draw & paint. cooking.
or anything in general.
or how hard it really is to quit smoking when it's become your best friend. or how hard it is to really let things go. anything.
i could write about the idiosyncrasies of venus & sassafras. or how happy i am i went back & got the sister too.
and how they are cuddly just like my old dog. and how they talk to me everyday. and how they both run to the door when they hear i am home. or how venus sucks on her paw, and sassafras sucks on venus' nipples... as if they're both nursing still. and how when they're done they both have drool accumulated at their chin.
i could write about my friends. my family. or the kind of people i'd like in my life being so far away from the old ones.
i could write about how i dont like sundays. they have the strangest feeling to them.
i might enjoy writing about the places i've been. or the places i want to go.
what my tattoos mean to me. or the ones i still want to get.
things i've done in one day. or in my entire lifetime so far.
something that frightens me. or something i've learned to stop fearing.
paradise. or my version of it.
the weather.
the way music makes me feel.
how flying makes me feel.
what i imagine it would be like to finally be at complete peace with everything. myself. and the universe.
my new year's resolutions. or things i've already changed.

what would you write about?

fun. pure fucking fun.

before i allow even more time to pass & the memories to become even more hazy then they already are i figured right now is a good time write about the beginning of an awesome night i had just a few short days ago.

it was friday. dec. 14. the day of our christmas party. i have worked at mywedding.com for four years now. and each christmas party has exceeded the amazingness of the previous year's party. and this year certainly wasn't any different.

the energy in the office that friday morning was happy & high. no one could concentrate just bc of the upcoming event that evening. and we were expecting a storm to blow through ... something that's become a reoccurring element in previous years. the wind storms here in the northwest are nothing short of spectacular. two years ago one of our storms knocked the power out for two weeks for our neighbors. sad. thank goodness they had a fireplace. anyway. this year was no exception to the storm rule. we were expecting high winds once again on the day of our party. with threats of rain/snow and freeeeezing cold temperatures as the night progressed.

it was fairly early in the morning and i was in the kitchen at work toasting an english muffin simultaneously staring out the window noticing how windy it already was. afterwards i went online & checked the forecast at weather.com and saw the severe storm warning details. it mentioned the worst part would be towards the evening time. and throughout the afternoon the winds & rain continued to pick up. storm threats always cause a buzz around the area and i swear people go shopping in preparation for a nuclear meltdown...

we got an early dismissal from work that day so as to have enough time to run home, prepare for the night & return to the island to be on the 4:35 sailing. two of my girlfriends/coworkers and i came back to my apartment around 1ish to get ready & then we returned to work. but before that i had to run an errand at noon. i had to meet my coworkers at the ferry to give them something they forgot for the party that night. and when i left it was a complete mad house out on the streets. it felt like traffic on black friday combined with lunch hour rush and combined with every one leaving after a night of oohing and ahhing on the fourth of july.

aside from already being hyped up from the excitement for the christmas party i was pumped up from the energy of others around me bc of this storm that was coming in. it seems people really panic here .. and i completely understand why. power lines get crushed easily by tall evergreens and that can put a damper even on the littlest critters in the forest.


so back and forth to the office twice in the afternoon, and back a third time after picking up one of my other coworkers, teej. we had an hour or so to kill so a few of us chilled at the office & played a game or four of foosball. meanwhile a few party goers arrived and sat around the table to chat. being that it was nearing commute time we decided to head down to the ferry a little early.

and off we were!

since we arrived to the ferry early i went outside to smoke a cigarette (i know, shame on me!!) and while i was outside i was watching wind blow the trees sooo hard i honestly thought they were going to snap right then and there. it's pretty amazing what those tall, skinny trees can withstand. considering i myself felt like i was going to blow over. i finished my nicotine and made my way back inside to the terminal and continued to wait with my coworkers.

as time went by our ferry arrived, we boarded and met the rest of the gang in the galley for a head count!

there were quite a few of us sitting together.. enjoying some pre-party beer and wine. and the boat was rocking. but not b.c of 'that' .. . looking out the windows you could see the ferry rocking side to side. up and down went the horizon. we were all sitting at the tables in such a way that we were rocking side to side rather than back and forth. and a smart idea was suggested to turn sideways in the seat so it made you feel like you were in a rocking chair instead. and it worked. the queasiness went away. as the subject about how the horizon was moving so dramatically the idea was suggested to go outside & stand on the front of the bow & check out the waves. so rob (one of my fabulous bosses) and teej (one of my many fabulous coworkers) and i decided to truck it through the ferry and get a load of the storm mother nature was hurling at us currently.


i didnt really have my hair done persay ... not like in an updo or anything. i just left it down, but i didnt want it to get messy so i chose not to flip up my hood that was on my coat. but when we stepped outside in the elements i quickly changed my mind & held my hood in place. i attempted zipping my coat up but it was so darn gusty that i couldnt stay grounded enough to zip up. so i just held everything together best i could & leaned over the edge of the guard railing in awe of the massive waves crashing against the side of the boat. i've been on a ferry before. and i've been in a wind storm before. but never had i been on a ferry during a windstorm. this was my first experience.

those waves were rolling in like the fields in children of the corn. i couldnt believe my eyes. while i was standing by the guard rail i hear teej's voice muffled from the wind gusts... 'nic, please get away from the edge, you're making me nervous!' ... 'ahh, dont worry, i'm fine' i completely insisted. i continued to display defiance & stared off in to the rolling seas. i heard a story once about a window being knocked out on the passenger deck from the crashing waves reaching up attempting to smack around the passengers inside. but i have never witnessed this. and while i was staring out at the waves i kept questioning how it was even possible the waves reach up that high.


but i kept hearing teej's voice back there behind me. and finally my intuition kicked in & i couldnt deny that big brother voice anymore. so i stepped away from the edge of the railing and continued to lose balance with rob and teej in the middle of the deck. the wind knocking us around from side to side and the boat swaying back and forth from side to side. there was something surreal about this experience alone and i was a part of it. and then simultaneously while we were getting tossed around from the wind - no more than 10 seconds after i stepped away from the edge - a wave of epic proportions came hurling up on to the passenger deck and slammed down on top of us at that very spot. and of all the slow motions that could take place this was the slowest of slow motion moments. that wave was a good 5-8 feet over the top of our heads. and it just kept splashing down on top of us. i lost my balance & started falling backwards and my big brother teej was there to save me & grabbed on to me & kept me from moving. there wasnt an inch worth of air between us his grip was so tight. i stepped on the poor man's toes w.my colossal heels and just tried to keep from falling anywhere. at one point (i dont remember if it was right when the wave hit or after teej let me go), all i know is water was crashing down on me & i had to reach for something and the only thing i saw was the rope barricade provided so as to keep dummies like me from getting too close to the edge. i grabbed on to that rope and held on like i was dangling from a 100 ft building with nothing below me. like i said i dont remember if this was before or after teej grabbed me but none the less i remember how for a split second i was really fucking confused and wondered why the water was still above me rather than below me.


and then the wave diminished. we stood there for a second & kinda brushed ourselves off and then the adrenaline really kicked in & we started hooting & hollering about what we had just experienced. and back inside we went. i hadnt realized just how much water came down on us until i saw rob & teej in the light. they were soaked. their faces were dripping wet with water. teej's jacket got soaked and rob's blue shirt looked like he just ran a marathon on an 110 degree day in hawaii. i was stunned. and next thing we hear is the crowd around us starting to clap. i looked around & noticed everyone staring at us. this my friends ... was my fifteen minutes of fame. i was so pumped up from this moment i just shared outside with rob & teej that i was grinning from ear to ear. we were high fiving each other as though our favorite team just won the world series. we trudged back to our seats, squish slosh, where most of the mywedding.com team were sitting. staring back at us. they already knew what happened. bc they heard that wave hit the boat. a few of them were cracking up and a few others had a scared look on their face like one of us had gone overboard. but nope. all three of us were standing there. dripping wet. and lived to tell. we shared our experience (loudly i might add) with our friends and 95% of the heads surrounding us were turned in our direction to hear all about it. we continued to high five each other for the experience. i sat down and that's when i realized just how much sea water got me too. the entire right side of my body was soaked. from head to toe. my jeans were an obvious shade darker right down the side and you could see the inside lining of my coat through the outside. we sat down and listened to the others talk about the sound they heard from the boat and waving crashing in to each other. a couple people mentioned how they've ridden the ferry before during a windstorm and they've never felt the boat hit the wave as hard as this one did. they heard the loud crash in the middle of the boat.


we finally settled down for a few moments & then each of us scurried off to the bathrooms to attempt to dry off with the automatic hand dryers. while i got most of the soaking parts down to only a damp state i failed to dry my gloves. and when we got to the other side of the water we ended up having to wait for an hour for three out of the four limos to come pick us up for the nights events.

for some unknown reason this experience ... this five minute experience ... was the highlight of my year. and while it's possible that it doesnt sound as exciting to you, the reader, i had to write about it. at least for myself i dont think it's anything i'll ever forget ... i just had to remember it in the text form.

(please note that the photos of the ferry are taken are by someone else. since first off, my experience happened when it was dark. and secondly these photos are from a storm a year ago. (here's the link to the story)

aqueous transition

let me paint a picture for you.

youre outside walking along in nature. its raining. a steady rain. not heavy or exceptionally light. just steady. the clouds are low. hazy around the tops of the trees. you find yourself walking by a river. a big, wide river. that is flowing steady as well. not angry or extremely calm. just flowing. the river is cloudy. and you see a ton of your friends in really large inner tubes flowing down this river with smiles on their faces and laughing. your first reaction is how can they be in the water its winter & its cold out. but they are shouting for you to join insisting the water is warmer than you ever expected. so you walk up to the river and stick your hand in it to find they are right. the water is bath water warm. which feels awesome bc it is pretty cold out. you want to join except you dont have your swimsuit with you. its packed away for the season. youre far away from where you can get your swimsuit so you start running through the list of the nearest department stores in hopes of maybe finding one last remaining swimsuit from the season that you can get so you can join your friends in the inner tube flowing down the river in the rain. but getting to this department store will take you forever bc you are in nature and are really far away. so you start thinking of how you can improvise your swimwear. go in your underwear? possibly. but youre wearing a thong. and you dont want everyone to see your cheeks. go in your jeans. possibly but you dont want to feel bogged down by the weight of the wet clothing, which will also feel colder when you step outside of the water. then someone larger than you offers you an extra suit of hers that she has with her. you consider it ...except realize instantly that it will just fall down anyway once it gets soaked. so what are you to do? join them or not. sacrifice the ideal swimwear for the occasion and join the fun or find exactly what you need so you may relax, feel safe and comfortable.

i ended up wearing my bra and underwear.

if you got a clear picture of this little ditty then i did a good job in describing my dream this morning.

i have thought -but not much or seriously- about the possibility of this 'question'. until the other day. initially i was just going to look in to it slightly and consider it for the future. but it has happened so fast and i dont have much time to sit and think about it if i want this 'deal'. ultimately this is where my life could totally change -and quite possibly for the better. the question is should i move to the actual city of seattle. right now i am sorting through a handful of reasons on why i should or why i shouldnt. and while this may not be a big deal to you.. you have to understand i grew up in a cornfield surrounded by only 1100 people for the first 21 years of my life. i moved to kitsap county in 2002 and dealt with more than enough culture shock by doing that. but the idea of living in the actual city of seattle scares the daylights out of me. living in ANY actual city scares the daylights out of me. but i am in need of something. i am searching for something. called experiences. living.

when i moved out here i lived with my cousin for a year then moved in with my (ex) boyfriend and lived with him for 5 years. and just moved out from that less than six months ago to my very first and own apartment -on bainbridge island. i live in nature out here. and i love that. i live 10 minutes from work. and i love that. i live five (walking) minutes from the beach. and i think i love that the most. there are trees all around me. there are cows & a horse in the field when i look out my french doors. my apartment here isnt huge but it isnt as small as the one i looked at in the city yesterday. there are a lot of conveniences around me. and that would change slightly living in the city.

i have been allowed to think on it for 24 hours. i compared my bills now to what they could be if i moved to the city. while i have enough money to do it i wont be able to live as frivolously as i do now on the peninsula. i will be making view sacrifices, commute sacrifices, obviously money sacrifices, and maybe even a few mental sacrifices. all of which are a pretty big deal to me - not just right now but in general. i absolutely love my little apartment right now. i feel comfortable. i feel lucky to be surrounded by all this. i feel peaceful when i am outside walking around the area. and i can afford it. but what i am battling is the experience of doing something that scares the daylights out of me. (that seems to be the on going theme for me this year...so why stop now i keep asking myself.)

so should i move to the city and make these sacrifices for the experience i will get out of it or should i stay in my comfort zone where i am actually pretty happy anyway and consider moving to the city again in six mos or so but lose out on a ridiculously great deal and the chance to move on now.

i have been weighing everything i could possibly think of in my head about the decision i have less than 12 hours left to make. one second i feel really good about doing it. the next second i feel less than enthusiastic about packing up everything again & moving across the water. but then i question myself.... is it fear that is holding me back in this? bc i really am terrified of the whole city living thing. but man what an experience it would be for me. especially at this point in my life. my ex is moving on and now so should i- for my own sake. i try to look at it this way .. as though my current little apartment was the necessary portal for my recent transition (the breakup) and even though it may be short lived... maybe, just maybe did its duty & maybe its time to move on.

and then i had the dream described above. water indicates emotions in dreams. even though the water was murky it was calm. both the river and rain were calm. and all my friends flowing down the river in the inner tubes were laughing, having a good time. smiles all around enticing me to join them. but i was hesitant bc i didnt have an actual swimsuit and was faced with a few decisions on how to get in that water - with a swimsuit or with the clothes i had or even find something else. and at the end of the dream i found myself prancing down to the water in my underwear. bc i wanted to join them so badly and experience what they were enjoying.

i flipped a coin. it was going to be best two out of three but the first four flips said dont move. so i decided best out of ten. i ended with six no dont moves & one yes. i asked the magic eight ball three different questions & three different times regarding the possible move. they all favored not moving. i made the pros and cons list and immediately the cons outweighed the pros but i changed my attitude, looked further and found enough pros to meet up evenly with the cons. i am not sure why this is such a difficult decision to make since i dont feel the answer it in my heart already. i guess its bc i cant tell which way my head and heart are leaning towards more at this point...bc its kinda even. its the weirdest thing. all i know is i want to experience things that will help me grow. i can always come back to the peninsula. right?

i keep trying to tell myself if it is what i was supposed to do then i would feel the answer being yes immediately. and if i dont feel the yes answer then i shouldnt make the leap yet. but am i letting fear once again rule my decision making? where did my keys go? i thought i was driving?

(so on a side note when i decided to write all of this out i opened up my lap top and the first image that appeared from my slide show of images before the computer goes in to sleep mode (posted above) was of me chilling in this raft content & enjoying myself. i happen to find that kind of ironic. (i cant believe i am actually posting this image but i just had to in order to share the irony of it being the first image that appeared on my screen after having the dream i had... and will somebody get this poor, pasty white girl some shades too?!) ...maybe i will end up just blurting out whatever i feel like when i call the lady today.